Amuela is running out of her office and down to the street with tears streaming down her cheeks.
“I can not take ths anymore,” she thinks.
“What‘s happening? Why does it turn out this way? Why? Why? Why?“
Almost blinded by tears, she runs towards her car. It’s as if she’s trying to run away from an unseen enemy. Her hands tremble with both anger and frustration when she tries to get up her keys from the purse. She can’t find them and with a roar of anger she pours the entire contents onto the street.
“There, there they are.“
She picks up the contents of the bag again and unlock the car. Completely exhausted she sits down on the driver seat and puts the key into the ignition.
After that she doesn’t get any further. The pent-up feeling of both powerlessness and despair mixed with anger catches her in an iron grip…
Amuela have just had a conversation with her father… one of many…
He’s always interferring. He’s not happy with what she does or how she does things… He sees her as a child who must be led and held in a short leash… He doesn’t think she’s capable to manage her business the way she wants, even though she’s one of the main publishers in the city… He interferes in everything and think she’s far too generous… She doesn’t take care of herself in the “right“ way… She makes herself a laughing stock… She’s too trusting… Is there anything that he’s really pleased about when it comes to her?
Her father, now retired, was one of the city’s top attorneys. A truly handsome man. He’s tall and slim with a perfect body. His thick, slightly curly hair is gray and shines like rays of silver. That he’s 78 years old is hard to believe. He’s more like 60-65, at the most.
His shrewd and calculating mind works behind a false facade of an immensely talented amiability. He has learned the art of manipulation through a pretended humility and he possesses that art to the fullest today.
For Sir Robert Sonderson power, money and control is what runs the show and the main weapon in his arsenal is to instill doubt and fear in his opponents. Amulea usually think of him as Dr. Jekyll and Mr.. Hyde…
He has built up his power, wealth and status at the expense of other people’s misfortune and for Amuela it’s difficult to understand and accept such an attitude.
In Amuelas life he acts like a volcano. With outbreaks and cunning, he tries to manipulate her into doing and act as he say and want. His argument is always the same;
“But Amuela, think of what the consequences might be. You ridicule yourself… People will laugh behind your back, don’t you understand that?“
Undeterred, he usually continue;
“You have to put yourself in respect or you will be run over and manipulated.“
That he only talks about himself and for himself, he doesn’t understand. As he thinks he only has her best interests at heart…
But what does he know anyway? The only thing he sees is the shell. He’s completely unable to see more than that. A person who lacks the capacity to feel real, not feigned, empathy and love can not see beyond that.
“Actually, it’s tragic,” Amuela thinks quite often.
“Despite his power, wealth and status, he really doesn’t have anything. He has no close friends and his relationship with mother seems totally unloving. She probanly doesn’t have the strength to tear down the walls of his heart either… How he feels and really thinks is a mystery, “ she thinks.
“Maybe it’s for mom as for me…“, she thinks on.
“As soon as he comes around, it becomes a hassle. In some strange way one gets on ones guard and goes into some weird defensiveness, as if you had done something wrong even though you haven’t…“, she thinks.
“I do not want it like this anymore. I have not done anything wrong.“ cries Amulea straight out as she sits in the car.
She starts the car and drive off with a roar, completely blinded by tears.
Amuela is driving around aimlessly for a while. She can feel how she slowly, but surely, is starting to regain some serenity and steers the car toward her home. She finds nothing else to do. She longs to her house, the woods and the lake. There, she will be at peace, anyway. The quiet and peaceful place usually do wonders for her body and soul.
Suddenly she notices how her thoughts are rushing an other way and suddenly she is seven years back in time. She can feel how her heart begins to seizures and her tears are welling up again. The bottomless sorrow tears and rips into her and she has to stop.
The images of the terrible accident is flashing by and suddenly she sees herself sitting at her husband’s side. He’s laying on the road battered and bloody and with his last effort, he looks up at her and says;
“I love you, never forget that. You are and will always be my life. Thank you my love for the wonderful time you gave me.“
And than he closes his eyes and draws his last breath. His life on earth was over, and hers as well as it felt…
Her mind wanders on to the time after… A bottomless ocean of pain and sorrow. The time stood still and every day was a new one that one would somehow try to get through. She can feel that she doesn’t really remember that time. It’s hidden behind a black veil.
“Let it stay there.“, she thinks, and addresses her memory to the day when she felt as if she woke up to life again.
She remembers it so well. It was a day in March for a little more than five years ago. The sun shone and was unusually warm. Almost as if it was whispering of a new era. She could feel its warm caresses and the wind’s soft breeze as she stood on the porch.
Suddenly she can hear that she can hear! She hears the birds singing and she realizes that she has not heard them in a long, long time. It was as if she woke up from hibernation she has been in and came to life.
Slowly she could feel a warm smile spreading from the heart. The realization that it was time to move on and that she didn’t do herself or anyone else a favor by hiding from life grabbed her.
It was time now. She could feel her husband’s impatience. As if he urged her to take hold of life. Then everything went high gear. She sold their big house and found the house she always dreamed of, just over half an hour from the city, idyllically surrounded by woods, meadows and water.
She smiles through her tears as she sits in the car when she thinks of her house and all the coincidences that came as a letter in the mail once she embraced life again. The place she found has given her so much of tranquility, peace and joy. It is as if the very ground talks and surrounds her with love. She thanks quitely for finally having found home.
Amuela looks out of the car window and can feel the pain in the chest begin to decline.
“It was a long time ago since I felt this pain,” she thinks and starts the car as she briefly throws a glance in the mirror. The woman who meets her gaze looks so fragile. As if the slightest gust of wind would blow out her flame. Her face is swollen because of all the tears and her otherwise so beautiful and clear green eyes are barely visible. Her curly, unruly hair stand on end and Amuelas thoughts goes unsought to a little disoriented lamb.
“Hmm ,” she thinks. I think I’ll take a swim when I get home.
Back home, she can feel how tired and exhausted she is after this extraordinary emotional storm and instead of going down to the lake for a swim she throws herself on her bed. The tears are resurfing again when her thoughts go back to the the meeting with her father.
“Why can’t he understand?“ She thinks desperately.
“What is it that I do wrong that causes him to go on like this?“
“Maybe he’s right .. Maybe I should be more like him…“
She can’t even finish the thought before she can feel the knot in the stomach…
“No, I will never in my life become like him,” she thinks abruptely.
“I must find a way to get him to understand.“
She forces her head deeper into the pillow, almost as if she thought everything would be fine when she looks up again. She doesn’t even notice when her cat comes creeping and jumping up to her. Not until a paw gently touches her. She looks up from the pillow and sees her beloved cat sitting next to her.
Tulis stretches out his paw again and gently touches her cheek. It’s as if she can feel Amuelas despair and want to do everything to help and comfort her. Amuela drags Tulis closer and put her head in her soft fur. She can feel how the cat’s warmth and love makes her feel stronger.
After a moment, she sits up on the bed and look out the window. She says aloud to herself;
“I can’t take anymore. I have to put an end to all this now.“
With resolute steps, she goes down to the kitchen and makes herself a light lunch when it suddenly knocks on the door…